THE FORGOTTEN HUSBAND
You’re in your own little digital insta/facebook world. You’re happy to report everything you love about everything and also what you hate. You remain calm, or sometimes not. You mention the littles. And pretty much everything else in your world.
And there he is off in his world.
You love him. He loves you. He’s fiercely private. Doesn’t really play the social media game. He checks in. But he doesn’t care really. He dominates his own field and spends his time with you and the kids when he’s home.
The husband. The forgotten husband.
Where is he? Is he alive? Am I even married?
It’s a girls world. And everyone is striving to keep it going. And that's awesome. But it’s a man’s world too still. Lets not forget.
And also, as much as women dominate the current jugger-nut of the social media world, there’s still very much the world at home and I’m not about emasculating any of it.
I love my husband. Knew I had to have him. And after all the loves I thought I knew, I wanted his. For life. Still do.
But the other night I found myself staying up late working on an article and I said I’d be done in 10 minutes and low and behold, he scurried off in 20 to bed and I kept working. 10 more minutes went by and he wasn’t back. He was asleep.
He was tired. He works his ass off. Well, me too. But after the kids go down, I’m tired too, but I’m alone and I love my time. He’s the opposite. So that night I missed my window.
I’m busy these days. I’m a mother of three. But I'm also a writer, blogger, songwriter, wife, house manager/manager of the whole ship, dreamer, believer, daughter, sister, friend and I love everything. I never stop.
But where is the husband?
I only bring this up because every once in a while I like to step back from the girls world we live in and recognize my baby daddy. And he gave me 3 babies. In two pregnancies. He wins.
I’ve been in a routine of late where life rolls on by pretty steadily. Dinner is made for the kids by 5. We eat together. Sometimes Dad makes it home by 5. Most nights it’s after 6. He eats cold food alone downstairs while I bathe the kids and do story time. He cleans the kitchen in it's entirety, and the rest of the house that has been destroyed by two 18 month old toddlers and I come down and sit. And we sit. And we breathe.
Sometimes I think we are in the cycle of marriage and children. And sometimes I realize we are in the cycle of marriage and children. It’s hard. It’s intense. But also wonderful. But sometimes we don’t realize where we are just sliding by.
In the midst of blog posting, writing scheduling and diaper changing, it dawned on me that maybe I should pay a bit more attention, to the forgotten husband. Not that he’s forgot, but maybe I could do better. Just that evening my husband said to me, “I would really like to have dinner together after the children are asleep.” My gut instinct was to roll my eyes and complain and say something like “I’m fucking tired and starving at 5 pm and I need to eat.” But I didn’t.
Later that week when I knew he would be home by dinner, I went out and got filets and beautifully colored green and root vegetables and he walked into the house and it smelled of steak.
His mouth was literally watering. His fierce blue eyes lit up like a neon sign. His face turned a little red. He kept saying he was so excited. He was licking his lips. And he wouldn’t stop smiling. My God, it’s just steak!
It wasn’t just steak.
Ok maybe it was steak, Or maybe it was the thought. Maybe it was because I payed attention. The idea that I really thought about what he might like. And it wasn’t typical spaghetti or tacos, or chicken and vegetables. It was filet mignon. And he was over the moon.
I learned a lot from this. It was a lesson in love. Although it may be incredibly private (my marriage), I realize now during Valentines season and always, it’s my responsibility for my marriage and my own happiness, to take part. To do the work. To change it up. To pay attention. A friend of mine told me about a book she read regarding marriage and how it highlighted the importance of paying attention. Really paying attention. And intentionally making efforts to make the other person happy and do things for them out of kindness and love, with no expectations in return. Like, that's the vow. That's what God intended. That spoke to me. Like really spoke to me.
This Valentines I hope you get some time to really pay attention. Because although marriage and relationships are far from perfect, they do carry weight. The weight of two hearts trying desperately to beat as one. And that’s hard. Nobody ever said it was easy.