WHY YOU SHOULDN’T GET MARRIED FOR ROMANCE
It’s almost Christmas and it’s nutsville. Everyone is scrambling. Life is chaotic. And in about 3 weeks, we’ll all be cozy in our jammies eating cookies for breakfast. But in the midst of the crazy, I had a thought. After a conversation with a young one about marriage, I thought I’d set the record straight. For her. For me. For everyone. Because it’s Christmas. And I like to be honest. I’m crazy about my husband. I’m just putting it out there. Love that guy. There are moments I think he is an absolute shit head yes. But overall, I’m crazy about him. Like, crazy in love for that guy. 100 percent.
That being said, let’s just be clear. Marriage is not a rom-com. No. No romantic comedy here. Even though I’d like to write it in my most current tongue and cheek manner, it just isn’t. It’s a whole lot more than the drama you see in the cinema the week of Christmas. It’s beyond the subtext of that dialogue. It’s the backdrop behind the blue screen that stands behind the actors and the lights and the makeup artists.
It’s marriage. It’s love encompassed by multitudes of variables including personalities, families and navigating lives intertwined by the mess and the magic that life brings.
I prayed and hoped for marriage. Really for love. For the right person to be my person. The guy I felt just as confident as I did standing next to my Daddy. That guy. And at the age of 30, I met him. In a bar.
Sexy I know. Cliche, I know. But mark my words, approximately 3 months to the day after I met my husband in a bar, I knew I would marry him.
He was nothing like any others I dated. Or promised to marry. (Yes, I was engaged twice before him, more on that later.) But truly, when we fell in love. It was love. Legitimately, the real thing.
And yes day after day it was romance. It was Carrie and Big in Paris for the whole 15 months we dated before we said I do.
And even the first year.
Lots of sex. Lots of fighting. Lots of romance.
But here’s the thing. There’s a million reasons we shouldn’t get married for romance.
And after 10 years of marriage-here’s the one reason that sticks.
Kids change everything.
1, 2 or 10, you’re in for the ride of your life. Any woman that says anything different is not being truthful. If there’s anything I’ve learned from my mother as an adult, it’s that life is here while we got it and we might as well enjoy it, because it only gets harder.
Marriage is beautiful. It’s gorgeous. A dream. It’s what we believe in as little girls. And God willing on that day we look up at the sky and at him, we know it’s right. And it’s magnificent. It really is.
But it’s not like that everyday. In fact, it’s not like that every year. It’s an ever changing landscape in which we participate willingly and ride the wave accordingly. God’s smart like that. He’s not interested in having us walk a straight line. That’s way too boring.
The terrain you see in marriage and partnership with the person you fall in love with is quite magical. And messy. There’s lots of cuts and bruises. And healing. And beauty. The beauty is out of this world.
But if your expectations of marriage are for it to be this romantic getaway to the four seasons on the beach all day everyday, you’re gravely mistaken.
Perhaps every married person’s journey is different.
Perhaps you’re in your second marriage and it’s romance rendezvous all day every day. That’s amazing. And congratulations.
Or maybe you’re in your 20th year of marriage and the kids are gone and you’re rekindling all things romance with no kids in the house and less of a financial strain and the plethora of stress is behind you. That’s awesome.
But maybe you’re in the middle of the storm. And you have lots of babies and lots of illness’ and lots of mortgages and the heaviness of running a business at the forefront of your mind every single day. If this is you, this is why you don’t marry for romance.
Romance is ridiculously radiant. It’s wonderful. And sexy. And if I’m honest, it’s what really brings so many people together.
But marrying that person for romance is not the answer. Marrying him for love is.
It’s the mundane every day life struggle that sets us back away from the early days of Saturday snuggles and sex all weekend long with no distraction.
It’s little feet waking you up in the middle of the night afraid of the thunder or needing you to blow his nose because he has a cold.
It’s patience is a virtue 365 days a year.
Listen, I’m no expert, but I know I married for romance because I fell madly in love with the person I’m sleeping next to tonight.
He’s the guy.
But life is stressful. And tricky. And hard. And so is marriage.
It’s work and it’s ups and downs. But what I’ve learned above all, is to see it through and if I’m ever doubtful of who we’ve become, I revert back to those early days.
And I remember the romance. And like the snap of a finger, I’m back.
I married for romance, but I also married for love. And through thick and thin, I’m gonna love that man till I’m old and not so cute anymore. And the sexy part is honestly, the bonus on top.
One last thing, if you’re not sure what to get him for Christmas, see my previous blog ‘umm yes’ or book a night at a hotel for just the two of you. It does wonders for the romance part. Promise.